Reports from University of Michigan student Arnold Hartland confirm that the butter taken directly from the refrigerator in his apartment is simply too cold to melt and spread on the bread that just popped out of the toaster.
“I put the bread in the toaster oven and waited to spread the butter until it came out. I was bummed when it just sat there in a lump,” complained Hartland.
Hartland’s roommates confirmed that this behavior was typical for the student.
“He could have let the butter sit on the counter before he put the bread in, like any sane human. I have no pity for Arnold, he should be old enough now to know that he’ll just keep on ending up wasting butter and eating disgusting plain bread if he doesn’t make a change soon,” reported roommate Gregory Tanner.
“If the bus comes one minute late, he walks instead. He puts no effort into his plans,” continued Tanner on Hartland’s impatience.
Hartland reported a mixture of anger, shame, and disappointment after having to eat plain bread for three days in a row.
At press time, Hartland was seen pouring dry pasta into a heated, not boiled, pot of water.
