Failing Student Totally Lucks Out After Banking On Complete Collapse Of Civilization

The public health disaster’s societal fallout was reportedly well-timed for the straight-D student.

Sources are confirming that, since bombing his Econ midterm in late February, Statistics major Richard Preston has totally lucked out following the complete collapse of civilization caused by the spread of the novel coronavirus. 

“It’s just not in the cards for me, nothing is. All I can really hope for is that society crumbles, at least enough so that I don’t have to take my midterm tomorrow.” 

“This semester was my chance to play catch-up, but I spent most of it rewatching The Office, Friends, and pretty much half of what’s on Disney+,” said Preston, who conceded that the only thing that could give him the chance to make up his missed work would be a “once-in-a-century international crisis that indefinitely upends life for billions of people and freezes the world economy.” 

“It was just so stressful seeing all these deadlines pile up and knowing I’d have to start showing up to lectures. I was hoping everyone could somehow just take a break for a few months so I could finish the campaign of The Witcher 3,” he previously stated, unaware that a frightening scourge of death and horror would soon sweep across the planet, giving him ample wiggle room to take it easy. 

Preston’s concerns reportedly extended beyond just his collegiate career: “I didn’t want to put too much thought into finding a job. Maybe I could just stay at home for the next few months, because I really just don’t have any reason to leave my apartment at all.” 

Later, Preston reported making no changes to his lifestyle in response to the current pandemic. 

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