Surgical Mask Manufacturers Recommend Not Washing Hands

The manufacturers were last spotted poking holes in their masks’ fabric to keep sales up.

Following the Center for Disease Control’s suggested guidelines of regular hand washing to combat the spread of the novel coronavirus, manufacturers of surgical masks have since made their own counter-recommendation to simply not do so.

Mask manufacturers worldwide released a joint statement last Wednesday imploring the general public to respond to the impending threat of COVID-19 by letting life-threatening germs just be.

“Not washing your hands is the only way to protect yourself from this dangerous new strain of the coronavirus,” insisted 3M CEO Michael Roman while hocking a loogie directly into his hands.

With infection rates rising exponentially around the world, Roman reaffirmed his commitment to making his company’s face masks readily accessible to all those who needed them, adding that the increasing profit margins associated with the spread of COVID-19 were “merely a neat benefit” for his team.

“If consumers find themselves in a situation where they must wash their hands, we strongly suggest that they run them under the tap for as little time as possible and come into contact with viral surfaces immediately after, all while donning our handy N95s.”

At press time, 3M was seen celebrating the recent reemergence of the highly pathogenic H5N6 bird flu in the Philippines.

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