Men In DMs Unionize

Negotiations were stalled after the entire bargaining unit got blocked on Instagram.

Last Wednesday evening, area woman Tina Waterman was shocked to receive notice that the men in her Instagram DMs had banded together to form a union.

“We demand better treatment,” said maxyounger22, the coalition’s elected leader, via a reply to Waterman’s most recent selfie. “For too long, we’ve been left on read, or mocked with a half-hearted ‘haha’ or ‘nice.’ No longer must we suffer like this.”

Unionist george_basketball_420 was relieved to discover that there were other messagers out there who shared the same struggle of struggling to get Waterman’s attention.

“We spend long hours googling ‘sexy pick-up lines,’ wasting our energy and breathe flexing in our profile pictures, and for what?” commented _basketball_420 on a bikini picture from two years ago. “It’s not fair. She’s treating us all like we’re expendable, like she doesn’t even care about us.”

Some of the unanswered messages left by the union members included the heart-eyes emoji on an Instagram story, “Sexy please send pic of feet ?” and “Heyyyyyyyyy” several dozen times over after not receiving a response to “Hey.”

“We deserve to be responded to with dignity,” proclaimed mikemikemike49, whose profile picture features him double-fisting Four Lokos. When pressed as to whether the union might treat Waterman with said dignity, mike49 refused to comment.

At press time, Waterman was spotted saying “ew” while deleting the latest crop of DMs on the way to her boyfriend’s apartment, busting all the union members’ hearts.

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