Panda Express To Finally Serve Panda

The chain was excited to bring exotic flavor to North Campus.

American Chinese fast-food chain Panda Express recently announced that it has finally made the long-awaited decision to serve panda meat in all of its 2,200 locations.

“This is something that’s made an appearance on customer feedback forms for quite some time now,” stated Panda Express public relations manager Brian Mattheson. “We saw that we hadn’t been meeting the expectations of our patrons, so we rose to the challenge. We want you to know that we hear you, and we’re thrilled to announce Panda Express’s newest entrée offering: Teriyaki Panda.”

The dish, which includes seared giant panda meat glazed in a teriyaki sauce and mixed with bamboo shoots, will be a Wok-Smart option that contains only 270 calories.

Upon hearing the news, some Panda Express patrons were confused to learn that their food hasn’t been panda all along.

“I just saw that pandas got bumped up from ‘endangered’ to ‘vulnerable,’” said prospective customer Ben Greene. “But now that Panda serves actual panda, I can’t wait to get in there and turn that shit right back around immediately.”

Each serving of Teriyaki Panda is set to cost customers a premium upcharge of $1.50, and cost the Vulnerable Species List one-seventeenth of a panda.

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