Witnesses have confirmed that Washington D.C.’s Dacha Beer Garden is ready for harvest.
Following a harsh winter, beer bottles have finally emerged from their bottle cap buds, initiating the new season of lager.
“My team of farmers and I are working round-the-clock to harvest enough pints for this year’s season,” said Dacha Manager Michael Redwood. “If we get enough sunlight in the next few weeks, the keg patches might even be ripe for picking.”
Beer cans, which grow on stalks similarly to corn, usually require a few more weeks to ripen than bottles that grow on bushes and trees.
Dacha farmers were recently spotted screwing spiles into the bark of Heineken trees in order to commence the flow of beer on tap.
“This orchard is home to trees of Blue Moon, Budweiser, and Coors Light,” said expert farmer Denny Chambers, who gained his experience in Mexico harvesting Tecate, Corona, and Sol. “And when we have a really good year, sometimes we even get little pretzel flowers growing at the bottoms of the Busch bushes.”
In addition to picking bottles and tapping trees, farmers will spend the next few weeks plucking six-packs, which grow underground like potatoes or turnips.
The coming season is projected to have high yields of pale ale and IPAs but low outputs of stouts, porters, and American lager.