Area man Frank Malloy was dealt deeply concerning news this week after visiting local palm reader Maya Perkins. Perkins, who was displaying clear flu-like symptoms, revealed that Malloy would himself come down with COVID-19 in 2–14 days.
“I’ve been dealing with a pretty bad cough, and for whatever reason I can’t taste anything, but I’m an essential worker, and my business must stay open,” said Perkins, as she sneezed into her exposed palms. “A lot of people are unsure of what the future holds for them, and I’m here to provide clarity and a sense of certainty, no matter how dark.”
Despite feeling under the weather, Perkins claimed to feel at ease after recently returning from vacation in Italy. Since her return, clients have been coming to Perkins to share in her relaxation but have been leaving feeling anything but relieved.
“She spent half the time excusing herself to the back room, and I could hear her coughing through the walls,” said Malloy, scanning the room for hand sanitizer. “When she finally reappeared, she caressed my cheek and said ‘Darling, you better stock up on food.’”
“I see coughing and fevers in your future,” said Perkins, grabbing hold of her clients’ palms with her unwashed hands. “Aye, within a fortnight, your body will succumb to ache and fatigue.”
After finishing the session and using the restroom, Malloy found that Perkins’ bathroom had run out of soap.