Football Players Relieved To Have Steady Source Of Concussions Again

U of M football players had expressed “extreme distress” at the impending promise of adequate cognitive function.

The return of Division-1 college football to Ann Arbor brings great relief to football players at the University of Michigan who will now have a consistent source of head trauma again.

After University President Schlissel announced plans to bring the sport back to campus despite concerns over the safety of playing amidst rising coronavirus cases in the area, many have rejoiced at the consistent source of head trauma that will now exist. Rising star Eric Mathews, sophomore linebacker said, “My ears haven’t been ringing for months. Without the camaraderie of the boys along with a persistent headache, I don’t know who I am. But now? That headache is back and I feel better than ever.”

The leaders of research on chronic traumatic encephalopathy at the University of Michigan School of Medicine expressed their appreciation of Schlissel’s decision. “With no football players, we had no research subjects. No one wants to enroll in a study where they will suffer repeated blows to the head. We tried offering people $25 Amazon gift cards instead of the regular $10 we give for studies. Nothing worked. Without football, our research is at a dead end.”

“I was really worried about them,” commented renowned U-M football coach Harbaugh. “I’m just not sure what might have happened to them over an extended period of time without their brains being mashed against the inside of their skulls.”

Prior to the beginning of football practice, UHS reports showed irregular and concerning complaints from football players. There was an uptick in football players complaining of a decrease in confusion, nausea, headaches, vomiting, depression, disturbed sleep, moodiness, and amnesia. However, since practice has started again these complaints have subsided almost entirely.

“I really feel for these players.” Said Dr. Edwards at UHS. “They were struggling before the restart. I recommended that they bang their heads against the wall or get in a few minor to severe car accidents a week, but there really isn’t any replacing the violence of football for these players.”

Schlissel is also reportedly relieved football players are back and he can suspend the deal with the mob to keep the university financially solvent.

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