Goldfish Hastily Buys New Parents To Replace Dead Ones Before Kid Finds Out

Bubbles first considered simply telling his owner that his parents were “very happy at a farm in the countryside.”

Following the untimely death ofRichard and Penelope Thompson last Tuesday, their pet goldfish, Bubbles immediately began the process of buying new parents before their 7-year-old son, Michael, could find the dead ones.

“I know he’ll need to find out about all this eventually,” Bubbles gurgled,“but I can’t stand to see that look of heartbreak on his face. For now, it’s just easier to let him believe that his parents will live forever, even if it’s a hassle buying a new pair every time the old ones croak.”

Bubbles was quick to put out an advertisement on, where he requested “middle-aged man and woman, brown hair and eyes, comfortable with method-acting and lying to children.”

The hardest part is sifting through all the applications,” Bubbles commented. “They have to get all the little quirks right, and convincing them to abandon their former lives and assume another identity in exchange for fish money can be a bit of a hard pitch. But the most important thing is that they look the part.”

“Although,” Bubbles elaborated, “I have to admit that my little Mikey isn’t the brightest. I messed up a few years back and hired this lady with a heavy Ukrainian accent, but he didn’t seem to notice.”

Bubbles was last seen trying to shove the warm cadavers of Mr. and Mrs.Thompson down the toilet.

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