Sources have confirmed that a local ballot box is a greedy, filthy, little freak that just wants to be stuffed to the brim with ballots.
“Fill me up, daddy,” the box was heard saying to an unsuspecting voter. “I need your ballot so bad. I need to feel your ballot inside me.” Upon receiving the ballot, the box reportedly moaned.
When asked about their encounters with the box, voters were generally enthusiastic about the experience. “It was a really sensual way to cast a ballot,” said voter Carol Philips. “I felt like my vote meant something.” Voter Dan Merron echoed her sentiments, explaining, “I haven’t felt the touch of a human in months. I guess a horny ballot box is going to have to do it for me.”
“The best way to get the people passionate about democracy is to get democracy passionate about the people,” reported election expert Don Miller. “Dirty as it may be, this ballot box is going to be great for voter turnout.”
“Of course I’m going to take it all,” said the ballot box. “It’s my civic responsibility to accept the huge number of ballots in this year’s election. Momma ain’t raise no bitch.”
At press time, the box was seen dutifully guzzling the steady stream of ballots.