Thank you, Jesus. And I mean that honestly. I owe you big time, man. I’ve been lying awake at night hoping and praying for some miracle that would let me live a normal life again, and you figured that shit right out. This whole global pandemic thing has really been working out great for me, personally. Yeah, fine, I have this problem. A “spring break 2012” problem. She was cute, okay? How was I supposed to know? I thought she just spilled something on her face, or had a fun little birthmark. It could have been a lot of things. Yeah, that one’s not on me. But thanks to this little virus, everyone is walking around with the bottom half of their face covered, and no one’s the wiser! For the first time in eight years, I can stroll down the street like a real man, and everyone looks at me like it’s not weird they can’t see my lips. Hell yeah, man. Mouth herpes was no match for Gretchen Whitmer’s executive mask order and a six-inch-long piece of fabric. Anyway, thank God for these mask mandates. This virus has made my virus a hell of a lot easier.