As millions around the world prepare for a Christmas that will cap off a tumultuous and trying year, Lindt announced that instead of its regular chocolate Advent calendars, it will be offering 25 Xanax pills instead.
“After the year we have had, it is going to take more effort than ever before to get people into the holiday spirit,” said Lindt spokesperson Madison Ealing while maintaining a drug-induced calm. “Rather than giving people a sweet piece of chocolate, we think it would be better to give them something that will take theedge off during these difficulttimes.”
“Honestly I couldn’t have asked for a better way to welcome the holiday season,”said Emily Blanchard. “It’s hard to watch the news these days and still be excited for what the month has to offer. This daily Xan is just what I needed.”
Parents have stated their concern that there was no prior warning that Lindt wasn’t including chocolate in their advent calendars.
“I got a cute little advent calendar for my little Timmy and then December 1 came and my four year old son is popping a Xanax in our living room,” said concerned parent Barbara Lennox. Obviously, I immediately switched my calendar with his to be safe. My calendar only offered a daily bump of cocaine.”
At press time, Lennox was increasingly looking forward to Christmas morning, stating that she’s “got a feeling Santa’s going to leave little boxes of Ambien in mommy’s stocking.”