In response to increased cases of COVID-19 across the United States, officials have determined that conditions are too unsafe to begin another year. Instead of turning to 2021 on January first, 2020 will continue for twelve more months.
“It would be irresponsible to have a whole new year of the same horrible conditions. Think about it: two years of coronavirus? That’s just not a good look. So we’ve decided that it’s in everyone’s best interest to limit this outbreak to one year by keeping 2020 going,” explained CDC Director Robert Redfield.
Citizens have speculated that the change in plans could have darker implications. Michigan accountant Justin Novarese claimed, “2020 is absolutely, 100% fuckin’ cursed. This is a haunted year. If we keep it going, who knows what will happen? Will puppies go extinct? Will Bill Nye die? All bets are off.”
The decision could have a lasting effect on retail establishments across the nation. Without New Years decor, revenues for businesses such as Party City are expected to plummet at the end of December. Mass layoffs are anticipated.
“What on earth am I supposed to do?” inquired Dollar Tree CEO Mark Huffman. “Streamers, funky glasses, party poppers? People eat that shit up, but not if there’s no occasion for it. Dollar Tree needs New Years. COVID has really fucked us this time.”
At press time, Hallmark employees were seen scrambling to think of a new early-January holiday.