New GOP Forest Management Law Orders Removal Of Everything Flammable From Forests

Scorched trees in forest
Knight was last seen informing reporters that “you can’t spell forest fire without a forest.”

In response to an unprecedented number of wildfires in 2020 that have scorched land throughout the United States, GOP lawmakers have proposed a bill that would order the removal of all flammable objects from the nation’s forests.

While experts debate over how to combat the rise in forest fires, many Republican legislators believe that the answer is quite simple: rid our forests of any and all combustible materials.

“If our forests were not flammable, there would be no fires,” said Cliff Knight, a spokesperson for the Republican minority on the House Committee on Natural Resources. “People’s insistence on using wood, grass, and leaves to comprise our forests is irresponsible and dangerous.”

A recent scientific review of over 100 studies concludes that climate change is the driving factor behind the increase in U.S. forest fires. However, GOP officials do not want this assertion to distract the public from the real issue; incendiary items like sticks and trees.

“A lot of people contend that changes in our climate are causing the upsurge in forest fires,” Knight told reporters. “But these individuals are completely ignoring the abundance of flammable vegetation in our forests. It’s an obvious hazard!”

At press time, GOP climate activists suggested expanding the hole in the Ozone layer so air pollution can escape from the atmosphere.

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