Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has recently announced that the company will be removing the giant threatening woodchippers from their employee break rooms nationwide.
The woodchipper has been a staple of Amazon warehouses since the beginning. They were intended to boost morale and productivity. The woodchippers were bloodied, and had the words “Motivator Prime” spray painted in black on the side.
“We know our employees are saddened to hear the Motivator Prime will be removed,” said Bezos solemnly. “But removing overt threats of murder from our warehouses seemed like the best move forward for the company.”
“The woodchipper used to run all day and took up a huge space in the break room,” said Cassandra Roberts, an employee in one warehouse. “So, I assume they got rid of it to save a little money. At least now I won’t have to duck to go to the bathroom.”
“Every once in a while when we were working, I swear it would sound like something was going through the chipper,” commented Jacob Stillings, another employee. “And then a few people here and there would stop showing up to work. But that’s probably just a coincidence.”
At press time, Bezos was brainstorming new ways to motivate employees, both lethal and non-lethal, such as beginning to offer food and water.