University’s New Mental Health Initiative Offers Euthanasia To Students Feeling Pandemic Stress

Witnesses have reported that, upon their euthanasia, multiple students' lack of oxygen really caused them to "Go Blue!"

Aware of the insurmountable stress that comes with online school, the University of Michigan administration has announced a new plan to offer free euthanasia to students who are feeling especially overwhelmed.

In accordance with CDC guidelines, the University of Michigan is now offering to medically assist in the death of students who “just can’t fucking take it anymore.”

Students can now register through UHS to join the “MAIZE & BLUE-thanasia” program and receive their very own lethal injection.

The program has had near- unanimous support. One top ranking administrator explained their support saying, “Since the death of our student body means less COVID cases to report. Really it’s a win-win on our end.”

When asked if this new policy will conflict with state law regarding abolition of the death penalty, President Mark Schlissel responsed, “All I know is that students have been begging for some form of administrative response, and I think we’re finally giving them what they wanted.”

At press time, University administration discussed increasing student tuition by $5000 on the grounds that a tuition increase “gives students all the more reason to embrace the sweet, silent nothingness of death.”

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