Eyewitnesses reported seeing U-M swimmer Jason Marshall “absolutely whipping his moped like some kind of action star” on South University Avenue late Tuesday evening.
Marshall’s quick and narrow turn into a back alley, according to one bystander, had “the swagger reserved for James Bond, Mission Impossible stuntmen, or Batman on some tricked-out Batcycle.”
“I don’t know where he has to be going so fast,” said senior student Kim Roberts, who witnessed Marshall zoom by for a brief minute. “Or why he has to drive it like he’s in a narrow street market, about to knock out an unsuspecting fruit stand.”
Other witnesses were quick to point out that, due to Marshall’s athletic build, he could probably move just as quickly without the moped. “I don’t know why every athlete on this campus has a moped,” admitted Ashton Jones, another passerby. “They could easily walk to practice, but I guess they just have to look like they’re narrowly escaping a bank heist at all times.”
At press time, Marshall’s moped was leaving burning skid marks as he finally pulled up to his practice facility.