Report: 90% Of Cartoon Piano Movers Actually Unfit For Job

I piano dangling precariously dangling above a man not paying attention to it

A recent report by the Occupational Safety and Health Administration has concluded that an astounding 90 percent of cartoon piano movers are not qualified for their jobs.

“These piano movers are getting into accidents at alarming rates.” said OSHA safety inspector Tammy Tinkins. “These accidents are causing a lot of people’s teeth to be replaced by piano keys, and nobody is being held responsible.”

“Moving pianos up the side of a building is a very dangerous yet serious profession,” said Tinkins. “A cat, coyote, or duck shouldn’t have to be worried about a piano crushing them into an accordion.”

Leader of the Cartoon Piano Mover’s Union, Ted Smith released a statement following the report’s publication: “Look, our job is tough. If you need a piano lifted 1000 feet in the air, we’re the best out there. You guys should be talking to the people that move anvils.”

At press time, Smith stated, “These tools that ACME gives us aren’t designed to last, and sometimes these things happen.”

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