University of Michigan President Mark Schlissel is reportedly “pretty sure” that people should be congratulating him for at least something at this point.
“I’m sure I’ve done something worth congratulating if people would just take the time to think about it. I did the whole thing with pandemic housing. Plus those mental health days! I mean come on! Those were pretty good, right?”
“I’m not sure why anyone would congratulate him,” claimed Jessica Stevens, LSA junior. “I mean he totally botched the response to the virus and completely mishandled the GEO strike. Like good job graduating Princeton I guess? But I don’t know, I sure as hell am not going to thank him.”
Reportedly, Schissel was seen standing outside his house just waiting for someone to shake his hand and tell him he was doing a good job. No one took him up on the offer.
“What about the vaccine?” asked an increasingly desperate Schlissel. “Sure, students are getting one dose of a two-dose vaccine two weeks before the school year ends, and it’s on them to either figure out how to get the second or come back to Ann Arbor in may to get it themselves. But it’s something! Right?”
At press time, Schlissel was seen patting himself on the back and giving himself a thumbs up in the mirror.