Researchers at the University of Delaware announced this weekend the results of a three-year, multimillion dollar study which found a “statistically significant inverse relationship between a man’s skill at Microsoft Excel and cunnilingus.”
“Our trials of over 25,000 randomly selected professionals used a score on a 10-point scale of oral sex ability from all of a subject’s past sexual partners, as well as a survey of self-reported Excel skills,” reported lead researcher Leonard Caine.
“We were able to demonstrate that, on average, every additional Microsoft Excel formula or keyboard shortcut a man knows how to use translated to a 0.04-point reduction in cunnilingus skill scores,” Caine detailed in his report.
Spokesperson for the Accountants’ and Consultants’ Union Michael Barne remarked, “as you can see in this line chart, there’s a direct inverse correlation between how good a young man is at Excel functionality and oral sex. This comes at the dismay of many of our members, most of whom keep a spreadsheet of their sexual partners and their perception of their partner’s enjoyment of the experience. To their surprise, the majority of their guesses were way off.”
At press time, self-proclaimed Microsoft Office novice Tim Jacowitz was seen fending off hordes of attractive women after admitting he had not the slightest idea how to input a formula on Excel.