Freshman Excited To Use New Fake ID To Eat Off Kids Menu

Shank reportedly wants to use his ID to get junior tickets at Cedar Point.

U-M freshman Ethan Shank has recently announced his “exciting plans” to use his new fake ID to eat off every kids’ menu in Ann Arbor.

The false drivers’ license, which claims Shank is 9 years old and from Pennsylvania, was apparently ordered from a distributor in China. 

“Everyone does it freshman year,” claims Shank. “All the kids in my hall were putting together an order. I knew I definitely had to jump at the chance.” 

Sources confirm that a majority of college freshmen use fake identification to buy alcohol and order at bars. The precocious Shank, however, commented that he “really just wanted some cheap chicken tenders.”

“I mean, we all got licenses that said we’re 21,” commented Sammy Boyer, who organized the order, “but who am I to stop Ethan? He put money in, and $40 is $40.” 

At press time, Shank’s license had been confiscated at Frita Batidos on account of Shank’s Shank’s full beard and 6’5” stature, as well as the fact that 9-year-olds don’t have drivers’ licenses.

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