“Whew, It’s Just Mono” Says Student Who Thought They Had COVID

Excited man looking upward and clenching fist in joy
“Thank God I don’t have to notify everyone I’ve been in contact with,” said a relieved Kyass.

Student Stan Kyass reports he is super relieved that his recent illness isn’t COVID, but is just a bad case of mono.

Kyass claims that he started having a sore throat October 10th and felt super exhausted. He reports, “At first I was like it’s probably nothing, but when the symptoms didn’t go away, I started worrying that I had COVID.”

Kyass, like most students in 2021, are far more worried about getting COVID than mono. “Mono shmono, pssh. If I don’t have to quarantine because of it, that shit’s a walk in the park,” reports another Michigan student Richard Gobbler.

When Kyass’s parents found out he had mono, they were reportedly “so proud” that he hadn’t gotten COVID.

“That’s my boy, getting sick from too much kissing. He knows to wear a mask but there’s always exceptions,” reports Kyass’s father Dan Kyass.

UHS doctors have reported that patients’ smiles light up when they find out they only have mono. One doctor, Suzy Derrick reports, “Patients are so happy to have mono, I’ve started begging to get to be the doctor that tells them their COVID test is negative. It’s why I wanted to become a doctor.”

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