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A woman stuck in a giant turtle neck

Report: Area Woman Pinned To Inside Of Turtleneck Tube

Reports have confirmed that student Abby Sweeney has been pinned to...

  • Nov 15, 2021
A Group of people leisurely strolling on a track

International Olympics Committee Approves 10-Meter Stroll As New 2024 Event Part Of Campaign To “Make Sports More Relatable”

Recently, the International Olympics Committee (IOC) approved the...

  • Nov 15, 2021
An un-redacted version of the guide with handwritten notes from the FBI

FBI Fully Declassifies Ned’s School Survival Guide

On a school night, the FBI stated that “all documents...

  • Nov 15, 2021
A green man in front of the Eiffel Tower with green people in the background

Statue Of Liberty Green Because French People Look Like That

  • Nov 15, 2021
Two men having a discussion, one of them clearly being condescending

Pedantic Man Uses “Pedantic” In Sentence

In a conversation with his coworker Gary Vanderhoff last week, James...

  • Nov 15, 2021
A student playing chess in the front row of a lecture.

Student In Front Row Of Lecture Playing Chess Like He Didn’t Just Fail Midterm

This week, students in an EECS 280 lecture reported seeing fellow...

  • Nov 15, 2021
President Schlissel pardoning a turkey burger.

Schlissel Issues Annual Pardon Of South Quad Turkey Burger

Ahead of the upcoming Thanksgiving break, University President Mark...

  • Nov 15, 2021
A movie poster for Camilla's potential biopic, "Parker Bowles"

Camilla Hoping Biden Fart Incident Relevant Enough To Warrant Her Own Biopic

 This week, Duchess of Cornwall and wife to Prince Charles,...

  • Nov 15, 2021
A man running a Thanksgiving 5k.

Peaceful Thanksgiving Break Once Again Threatened By Pressure To Run 5K

In the days preceding Thanksgiving break, students seeking respite...

  • Nov 15, 2021

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