FBI Fully Declassifies Ned’s School Survival Guide

An un-redacted version of the guide with handwritten notes from the FBI
The FBI is asking for any additional information that could lead to the location of someone called “Cowboy Cookie.”

On a school night, the FBI stated that “all documents from/mentioning Ned’s School Survival Guide shall be declassified for public viewing.”

The documents reveal additional tips for surviving middle school and beyond, such as “don’t sit at someone else’s lunch table,” and a possible connection between James K. Polk and the KGB.

The declassified documents also include the logistical workings of James K. Polk Middle School. The financial reports show a highly inflated budget for “Principal Wright’s Sunglasses Expenditure,” possible evidence of embezzling.

“Several of the declassified tips seem to be written specifically for a kid who goes by ‘Coconut Head’,” reports investigative agent Martha Stalworth. “He appears to have needed many tips to survive, and we will attempt to investigate the effects of Ned’s psychological manipulation on this man.”

“If I had all of these tips when I was in middle school, I would probably be a doctor now,” stated survival guide reader Lewis Fansher.

The FBI has decided to declassify these documents after Bigby went into hiding in Russia for whistleblowing.

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