Engineering sophomore Lucy Wheeler is voicing her disappointment this week that her “friends with benefits” relationship with classmate Steve Grady unfortunately “doesn’t include dental coverage.”
According to Wheeler, her and Grady began hooking up shortly after they attended the same Halloween party on campus, but the benefits of the new signing have not been as comprehensive as she had hoped.
“I’ve been working so hard all semester to get a friend with benefits. But now that I finally have one, and this package doesn’t even include full coverage,” said Wheeler. “I thought this plan would mean I didn’t have to pay out of pocket for bleach treatments anymore. Thanks to my shitty set-up with Steve, I still have to cover that cost and my out-of-network therapist.”
Grady also expressed discontent with the benefits of his friendship with Wheeler: “I don’t know why Lucy is so upset about this. We agreed to a casual, part-time deal. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna cover the co-pay for her orthodontist appointment.”
At press time, Wheeler was overheard asking Grady if they could “take things to the next level” by including ophthalmology consultations into their foreplay.