According to sources close to the matter, West Virginia senator Joe Manchin is hoping the coal that he receives in his stocking this Christmas will be “enough to revive his state’s economy.”
“The senator realized that to bring coal back enough to boost his state’s economy, it was going to require big action and a little faith. Faith not so much in Christ, but in Christmas,” said Manchin aide Joanna Bowman.
According to Bowman, Manchin’s opposition to President Biden’s infrastructure bill was “a key step” to getting on the naughty list. “Because nothing says ‘I’m a bad person’ like opposing universal health care and childcare,” continued Bowman.
“Manchin isn’t just taking these measures in the Senate,” said staffer Jonathan McKay. Manchin has also reportedly been seen around the D.C. area “eating all the soup at local soup kitchens, ripping down all the solar panels, and endorsing Jake Gyllenhal.”
At press time, Manchin and his team were scrambling to set up stockings in every home in their great state to ensure “maximum coal returns”.