Schlissel Fired For Being Horny On Main

Mark Schlissel being indignant
Said the disgraced former president, “what’s with this ‘cancel culture’? You can’t even fuck your own subordinates anymore?”

This Saturday, the University of Michigan received unexpected news when the Board of Regents announced they were firing President Mark Schlissel for being horny on main. 

On January 15, the Board released a 118 page document containing all of former President Schlissel’s lustful emails sent from his official umich.edu email.

The reaction from the student body has been mixed. “His own faculty senate voted they had no confidence in him,” said LSA junior Lisa Beyer. “But apparently he had enough confidence in himself to be absolutely simping on his official email account.”

“Say what you will about the man, at least the man’s got good taste in foreign food,” said Engineering sophomore Caleb Ryan, noting that The Schliss was undoubtedly “turned-on and not giving a shit about hiding it.”

Students have been signing up for 2 hour time slots to rally outside of Schlissel’s house and harass him, noting that “he may not want to talk to ‘some guy in a tent,’ but we all want to get a glimpse of that horny bastard.”

While Schlissel could not be reached for comment, reports indicate he was seen outside the Undergraduate Library asking students to let him in because, “his MCard no longer worked.”

At press time, Schlissel had deactivated his Twitter account, but has allegedly started a private account so that only trusted mutuals could see his likes.

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