Report: Stranger Asked To “Watch Your Stuff” In UgLi Probably Wouldn’t Care If You Died

A stranger watching someone's stuff and not really caring
Reports confirm Stamm “had absolutely zero personal stake” in Purdy’s property or safety.

Reports are coming in that Nursing sophomore Kendra Stamm, who was asked by fellow student Elise Purdy to “watch her stuff ” for a few minutes at the UgLi, would “probably not do anything if something was stolen, and wouldn’t really notice if anything happened to [Purdy].”

“I mean, to be honest, she asked me to watch her stuff five seconds ago, and I already forgot what she looks like,” reported Stamm. “If some girl walked up and took her laptop, I’d probably wouldn’t even look up from my seat, let alone take action if [Purdy] died.”

Purdy reported heading to the bathroom in “absolute peace,” knowing that her items were safe with Stamm, who meanwhile “realistically wouldn’t step in if a robbery was actually happening” and who “valued [Purdy’s] life about as much as a soggy grape”.

Stamm reported staring at her notebook and laptop Excel spreadsheet during the entirety of Purdy’s four-minute bathroom trip.

At press time, Purdy was seen flashing a smile and saying “Thanks!” to Stamm, who reportedly nodded “as if she’d done anything at all.”

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