Michigan Removes Mask Mandate Amid Uggos Going Uncriticized For Too Long

A bunch of maskless uggos finally getting their due
Students across campus report widespread loss in "class crushes" after seeing what they really look like.

This week, Governor Gretchen Whitmer dropped the state’s mask mandate for most indoor spaces following a nearly two-year-long attempt to quell the COVID-19 pandemic.

Sources report the decision came after a drop in illness-related deaths and a desire to strike back at “the uggos among us who’ve gone uncriticized for too long.”

“These uggos have been walking around our stores, our stadiums, our churches, and our schools without being rightfully called out because half of their stupid faces are covered,” stated Governor Whitmer in a press conference.

While the mandate was ended state-wide, the “uggo-targeted” initiative has influenced collegiate spaces as well. “We need to let uggos know that they have no place on our campus,” reported University of Michigan president Mary Sue Coleman.

With the uggos unmasked, average Michiganders are weighing in on the practicality of the decision. “I’ve hit on dozens of people before seeing them without their masks and realizing they’re total screwballs,” reported frustrated yet attractive citizen Dawson Clairmont. “We might see COVID cases go up again, but I’m willing to take that risk.”

At press time, the state’s resident uggos were seen organizing a pro-mask protest, claiming their “concern is for public safety, not whether [they’re] going to have to start showing [their] weak jawlines.”

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