Report: Numbers Living Under Square Root Symbol Have Better Housing Than 68% Of U-M Students

According to a report released on Wednesday by the Ann Arbor Tenants Union, numbers living under the square root symbol enjoy better housing than 68% of University of Michigan students. Housing quality was determined by scoring living conditions based on a number of metrics. Square roots scored high in factors measuring coziness, structural integrity, and openness of floor plan.

A spokesperson for the union said that “these numbers don’t know how good they have it,” claiming that they enjoy “comfy living, structurally sound roofing, and an easy-to-remember-address—it’s just 2!”

“I would literally kill for a studio like that,” said Andy Janssen, a junior in the College of Engineering. “Right now I’m paying $1,100 a month for an apartment with just as many roommates and even lower ceilings.”

“They just look so comfortable in their little houses,” said another student, Madison Beckage. “It would take me 20 years to be able to save for a down payment on a place like that.”

Following the release of this report, Ann Arbor’s numbers are reporting skyrocketing demand for their units and untenable rent increases, stoking fears among square root residents of a looming eviction crisis.

According to people familiar with the matter, Ann Arbor’s landlords are allegedly scrambling to propose a new highrise called “Under the Radical” in response to this report. The new development will offer students the opportunity to live inside square root symbols for the affordable, market-clearing price of $3,200 a month.

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