The Dos and Don’ts of Opening an Interdimensional Wormhole on Campus 

Photoshopped wormhole on Michigan Diag; Man giving thumbs up

We’ve all been there. It’s a Saturday night, and following Friday’s debauchery, you and your friends are looking for some cheap, sober fun. Why not partake in the classic college pastime of opening an interdimensional wormhole? Here are a few tips to keep in mind before you engage in some fun-for-all-ages warping of spacetime on this lovely campus. 

DO: Inform your RA 

It’s important to let someone know that you’re venturing through a hole in the fabric of our universe. And your RA definitely cares enough about your well being to notify the authorities if you go missing. 

DON’T: Do it in the Hatcher North Stacks 

I mean you can give it a shot, but the place is already a wormhole, and no one’s quite sure what kind of havoc you could wreak if you open another one inside of it. 

DO: Make sure your ResponsiBlue is Filled Out 

Per University guidelines, anyone exploring the depths of our vast multiverse must show proof of vaccination or a negative COVID test. Make sure you fill out that ResponsiBlue before you go on your way, as cell service is notoriously spotty inside Einstein-Rosen Bridges. A vaccination card is acceptable as well, but their flimsy cardstock construction has been known to deteriorate in the harsh conditions of trans-universal travel. 

DON’T: Tell James that We’re Doing This 

Dude please don’t tell him. He’s a really nice guy but I just can’t be around him for too long. Look, I understand he’s your best friend from back home, but like I don’t really feel like he matches the vibe of the group, you know? If he asks you what you’re up to just say you’ve got homework or something. 

DO: Bring a gift for the interdimensional beings you encounter 

State Street Chipotle is a delicacy in the multiverse for whatever reason, so make sure you plan ahead accordingly. 

DON’T: Eat a South Quad Turkey Burger Beforehand 

This one isn’t even necessarily wormhole-specific, just solid advice all around. Although the bathroom situation in parallel dimensions can be incredible, even life changing, you never quite know what you’re going to get.

DO: Go to North Campus to do it 

That way if anything goes wrong and you cause a catastrophic tear in the spacetime continuum leaving a colossal sinkhole in the Earth’s crust in your wake, no one will really care. The MLB is another low risk location. 

DON’T: Worry about picking up your trash 

Your PlanetBlue promise only applies on this planet, so litter to your heart’s content. It’s not like you have to deal with the consequences. 

DO: Thank your wormhole driver when you get off at your stop 

They can definitely hear you through your mask and your words of appreciation totally make up for the fact they spend all day carting ungrateful college kids across distant dimensions. This will be sure to keep your five-star rating in tact.

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