1% Milk Owns 63% Of Stocks

Oat Milk sitting in a fancy high rise with a fancy moustache and monocle
Economists think that oat and soy milk have suffered most from this inequality.

Stock market researchers have released a study showing that the top 1% milk owns over 63% of publicly traded stocks on the market.


The nation’s citizens most rich in calcium also are the beneficiaries of the most stock increases, and can often be seen attending shareholders meetings of top companies like Apple, Tesla, Whole Foods, and Lockheed Martin.

“Throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, 1% milk has increased their wealth by over $1.5 trillion, while the entirety of whole milk has seen a drastic decrease in spending power,” reported market analyst Henry McDyre.


“Even 2% milk owns nearly 20% of available stocks and shares,” continued McDyre. “The wealth inequality in milk is having drastic effects on the economy. Whole and skim are struggling to make ends meet while the rich keep getting richer.”


Distraught economists are unsure of any ways to redistribute the 1% milk’s wealth to raise the calcium of the middle class and help struggling skim families regain faith in the economy.

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