Local woman Tatum Avery reported an “exponential increase” in her perceived athleticism while doing “absolutely nothing” at home this weekend following the purchase of a new matching workout set.
“I used to do nothing on the weekends except sit around and make frozen taquitos in the microwave,” Avery commented. “Now, I still do all those things, but I look like the kind of person who wouldn’t. I bought this new workout set off Amazon, and now I always look like I’m either about to leave for, or just returning from, the gym.”
“Tatum’s been in a slump for a while now. Never exercising, not going on walks or throwing weights around or anything like that,” added Avery’s roommate Carol Stennet. “I saw her wearing these new workout clothes, and it really seems like she’s got it all together. I’m a little self-conscious now that she must be exercising way more than I do now.”
“I’ve realized,” Avery commented, “I don’t actually have to be an active person at all. I just have to look like one. I feel like a new woman.”
Avery’s Amazon cart was last seen containing a set of oversized sunglasses for “looking more put-together when [she] leaves the house, too.”