Report: Trader Joe’s Employee Secretly Hopes Customers Will Get Pancaked In The Parking Lot

Exterior image of Trader Joe's store
Wells also reported that he hopes customers will have a shelf collapse on them when they reach for top shelf items.

Following an after-hours employee truth circle at Trader Joe’s in Ann Arbor, Gideon Wells admitted that he secretly detests every customer and only gets through the day by “envisioning them getting straight up pancaked by a truck in the parking lot.”

An esteemed cashier for “over a dozen moon cycles,” Wells claimed, “The nonstop exchange of pleasantries has made me never want to be pleasant ever again. If I have to discuss the unpredictability of the weather in Michigan one more goddamn time, I will single-handedly burn up all of the fossil fuels left just to get this shit over with.”

Fellow employees have spoken up in response to their coworker’s confession, remarking that they too experience “recurrent homicidal ideation while on the job,” even admitting to fantasizing about “the sudden occurrence of an avalanche in the wine section, drowning all of the innocent customers in a tsunami of glass, impaling them from all angles.”

This “toxic culture” is likely the result of Trader Joe’s policy, which requires all of its employees to be “outwardly friendly and cheerful at all times.” Regarding the company policy, Wells said, “On the outside, I am just a simple man rockin’ a Hawaiian shirt in 20-degree weather. But on the inside, I am a deviant creature hungry for some non-GMO suffering and pain.”

At press time, Wells’ coworkers were seen smiling behind their masks despite imagining the grocery store patrons “collectively perishing in a Chili Sesame Oil-induced grease fire.”

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