CORRECTION: 96 Years Of Beans On Toast Too Much For Human Body To Sustain

Queen Elizabeth II
Buckingham Palace reported the Queen's final words were "blame Heinz."

In a previous issue, it was stated that the Queen’s “secret to longevity may have been her consumption of baked beans on toast for breakfast everyday for 95 years.” 

However, in a statement released by Buckingham Palace following the death of her royal majesty on Thursday, September 8, it was explicitly stated that consumption of baked beans on toast every day for 96 years “was likely the culprit” of the “timely” death of the Queen.

“Scientifically, the human body can only withstand 95 years of eating cold, runny, canned beans atop toast before it just completely gives out. The human spirit can only take so much, and by 96 years of age, the battle was finally lost.”

The Queen’s death has sent shock waves through the scientific community, as researchers all across the UK are now conducting tests as to whether other staples of the English cuisine are harmful. “We’re looking into everything from black pudding to devilled kidneys.”

Studies still show that Spotted Dick is “a hilarious name” so there is “nothing to worry about in that regard.”

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