Excess Of Dentists In Ann Arbor Suggests U-M Students Have Excess Of Teeth

A man with way too many teeth on a yellow background and text which reads "Why I love Umich!"
The report also stated that Ann Arbor’s higher-than-average number of professors must mean U-M students are uniquely stupid.

After a recent report by the Ann Arbor Census Commission revealed the presence of over one thousand dentists in the mid-sized city, it has been hypothesized that University of Michigan students have an excess of teeth.

Jonathan Dovas, a third-year sociology student at the University of Michigan, described his reaction to the news as one of “shock” and “discomfort.” “Obviously, being an Ann Arbor resident, I’m well aware that there could be a dentist around every corner, said Dovas. “I’ve even seen them on Tinder. I didn’t think dentists were allowed on Tinder. I mean, what kind of dangerous freak wants to look at teeth?”

The phenomenon became of special interest to Marion Willard, a professor of urban demography in the Anthropology Department. “I kept asking myself, what is behind this frightening overabundance of tooth care specialists? And I’m here to put forth the only possible explanation: U of M students have an equally disproportionate number of teeth.”

Willard brushed off the idea that the presence of the Dental School in Ann Arbor might contribute to the per capita profusion, calling it “far-fetched” and “unsubstantiated.”

“There’s no way,” said Willard. “More dentists equals more chompers, and that’s the end of it.” Dovas, when questioned about the hypothesis, agreed with the proposition. “Have you ever met an SMTD student? I swear they’re like sharks. Teeth lining their throats and whatnot.”

In light of recent developments, Willard said she is considering researching “exactly how many extra teeth U-M students have” and “what they are doing with them.”

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