Football Student Section Confused As Ted Kaczynski Briefly Appears In Inspirational Alumni Video

Ted Kaczynski on the Jumbotron at the Big House
“Who would glorify violence in such a way?” remarked one fan before watching 22-year-olds give each other brain damage for four hours.

At last week’s home game against Maryland, fans of Michigan football were baffled as a picture of The Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski, appeared in the pregame inspirational video showcasing notable alumni.


“The video started fairly normal,” remarked engineering Junior Alyssa McKinley. James Earl Jones’ “velvety” voice filled the stadium, with an inspirational speech; however, in the notable alumni section of the video, nestled directly after Lucy Liu but before Gerald R. Ford, a photo of Kaczynski in college appeared for a split-second. A confused murmur filled the Big House, with one student remarking “Iggy Pop looks like shit.”


“I get that we’re supposed to be ‘Leaders and Best,’ and [Kaczynski] most likely did use his Michigan education to become a leader in his field, along with being the best at what he does,” said a confused McKinley. “Sadly, the field that he chose to be the best at was mailing explosives.”

“I didn’t even know he went here. Is this like common knowledge to everyone else?” said current LSA freshman and unaware resident of Kaczynski’s former third floor East Quad dorm room, Jackson Mierpoise.

At press time, it was leaked that Michigan Medicine was creating a video showcasing the strength of program which included mentions of notable alumnus and murderers Jack Kevorkian and H.H. Holmes.

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