High-Functioning Pothead Also Low-Functioning Roommate

A VERY low-functioning roommate that is REALLY stoned
Filson’s professors report that he’s normally a medium-to-low-functioning student as well.

Sources confirmed last Monday that LSA junior Jake Filson, an alleged high-functioning pothead, is simultaneously a low-functioning roommate.

According to Filson’s roommates in their Kerrytown household, this revelation was completely unexpected. “Between the dirty dishes left all over the house and his general disregard for personal responsibility, I truly never pinned him as a low-functioning anything,” commented Ross sophomore and roommate, Josh Redman.

Per an unidentified source, Filson’s lax approach to hygiene and rent due dates was actually an elaborate ploy to divert suspicion away from his covert identity as a low-functioning roommate.

“It’s been, like, suuuuuper taxing living a double life this whole time,” commented Filson. “I’m not the house these roommates deserve, but the one that comes with great responsibility, or something,” he went on to mumble.

“All the evidence pointed to Jake just being a typical stoner,” stated housemate Philip Bergstein. “But it’s kinda disappointing to hear that he’s actually been a subpar housemate this whole time.”

At press time, members of Filson’s house were overheard comforting each other and mourning the loss of countless Oreos and ramen packages.

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