Local Florist Floored By Dorm-Decorating Nature Fetishizers

A florist leans over a desk covered in flowers.
Environmental protection groups on campus have since held protests rallying against the “cruel” objectification.

This September, local florists have reportedly been getting floored by a flurry of dorm-decorating nature fetishizers.

Area florist Bonnie Waters of Botanical Decor, Succulents and More! claimed “students from all walks of life with plant life hyper-fixations have been flocking like flies with the feeble hopes of making their housing situations a little more in touch with the Earth.”

“Every year we get people coming in here, most of whom have never cared for plants before,” said Waters, continuing “but, after seeing how aesthetic they can make their bedrooms become, naturally, they become bonded.”

According to sources, LSA freshman Gary Denison entered Waters’ BDSM floral shop last Wednesday, purchasing several brand-spanking-new plants for his dorm. Allegedly shy and uncertain at first, Denison later reported feeling what he referred to as akin to “a neurologically altered state of consciousness apt to induce the most transient hypofrontality” once his plants had officially dominated his dorm.

“At first, I felt pain. The prospect of them dying frightened me,” Denison described, “but after working out the kinks, I feel fantastic! Euphoric even!”

At press time, Denison, along with a swarm of “naughty nature fetishizers” narrowed in on the BDSM shop with plans to restrain their plants in tiny pots.

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