Michigan Halts Road-Fixing Initiative To Make It Harder To Kidnap Gretchen Whitmer

Road Construction
“We’re leaving no stone unturned in protecting our governor,” announced the MDOT, “which is why we’re leaving every stone unturned on the state’s major highways.”

Michigan Department of Transportation authorities received notice last Tuesday to cease all construction work sanctioned by the “Fix Our Damn Roads” initiative based on concerns that smoother, more easily navigable roadways “might make it easier to try and kidnap Gretchen Whitmer.”


“Look, I get you want the roads fixed, but all you’re doing is making it simpler and less bumpy for these guys to get to Gretchen,” announced MDOT spokesman Gregory Kriendler at a recent press conference. “And new groups just keep trying – sometimes we can barely catch up to them in time with the roads half-crumbled. Just imagine how much harder it would be for us to stop them if the roads were safe and easily-navigable for anyone, including potential kidnappers.”


In response to voter backlash and demands for the state to fix the numerous potholes peppering Michigan roads, Kriendler replied, “It sort of functions like a booby-trap to protect the governor, at zero cost to the Michigan taxpayer. Keep ‘em bumpy, I say. That’s a win-win, in my book.”


At press time, would-be kidnapping suspects were spotted forming a queue at the local dirt bike depot.

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