Apple Announces Carbon Neutral Child Labor By 2050

Apple CEO Tim Cook
Apple CEO Tim Cook promises to take action against the environmentally-unfriendly child workers.

Due to international pressure from environmentalist groups, Apple Inc. has announced that they will transition to carbon-neutral child labor by 2050.

A company infamous for its air pollution, Apple has previously been ostracized on the world stage for its lack of environmental consciousness. The United Nations reports that child workers for Apple are the highest polluters in the world under the age of ten.

Bill Gates, former CEO of Microsoft, said he was proud of Apple’s decision to put the environment first. “The atmosphere we breathe belongs to everyone on this planet,” said Gates. “That is why I teach all my child workers the values of “Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle.” They just learned the letter ‘R’. I’m just glad Tim Cook finally saw the light.”

Tim Cook, Apple’s CEO, elaborated on the company’s goals in a press conference on climate change. “I would first like to apologize to the world on behalf of all Apple,” said Cook. “For too long we have turned a blind eye to the atrocities of child labor in our company. Those little bottom feeders have polluted our air for far too long, and now they will be punished for it. We will punish the child perpetrators by cutting 50% of their current wages.”

Apple has made plans to update its Apple Watch to include a series of schematics it will give its child workers, including games like “‘S’ is for shock collar,” and “wheels on the workhouse.”

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