Nearly eight years after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, rapper Kanye West has discovered that his lithium prescription comes in pill form instead of his usual dose of Energizer AAA4 Batteries.
“My old meds charged my brain powers so that I can control minds,” West commented during his recent appearance on The 700 Club. “However, my mental manipulation tactics hardly compare to my Zeus-like ability to generate electricity and glow in the dark.”
West’s psychiatrist, Dr. Schmauctre, admitted prior awareness of Ye’s daily metal consumption and hasn’t intervened because “either it kills him or corrects his bionic-like mental dysfunction.” The Medical Board of California has pardoned Dr. Schmauctre for his alleged negligence, confessing that they, too, have placed bets on how long West could keep it up before his “innards liquified into an organ pudding.”
Those closest to Kanye have reported that since switching to traditional human medicine, he is only exhibiting psychotic behavior near microwaves or big magnets.
North West, Kanye’s eldest child, reports finally feeling safe enough to spend time with her father. “He’s just like any other Dad. We do homework together, make TikToks, and perform rituals so that he may absorb my youth and achieve immortality. Just typical father-daughter stuff.”
At press time, West was spotted swallowing a battery-sized handful of pills claiming that “he knows his body.”