Obituary: Accutane Baby

A smiling, green-tinted baby

Accutane “Isotretinoin” Baby, aged 64 days, passed away in its mother’s hostile and unrelenting endometrium this Tuesday, October 25th. Its family rejoices in its miraculous and convenient loss.

Accutane Baby was conceived on its father’s sectional couch while its parents were “innocently watching” The Babadook. On this fateful evening, AB’s father, Jake Armstrong, accidentally inseminated its pizza-faced mother, Jennifer Graham, spawning this defective nightmare.

During its short “life,” Accutane Baby enjoyed boiling in poisonous womb juices and playing games with its parents, its favorite being “Duck, Duck, Stab,” where the opponent must avoid getting kabob’d by the pointy metal stick. It also found great comfort in its mother’s touch, especially when she would rhythmically pound her belly like a sacrificial drum.

AB is preceded in death by its newly-single parents, a fresh pack of Accutane pills, and long-term maternal side effects. AB was deeply devoted to its survival and the proper formation of its skull.

A Celebration of Demise will be held this Sunday, October 30th, at 3:00 PM EST at Rick’s American Cafe to commemorate the comet-sized bullet dodged by AB’s family and the entire human race.

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