According to local sources, what was once the “charming, lively” town of Ann Arbor has become “a dark and barren wasteland” now that the trees have shed their leaves.
“I just don’t understand how it happened so fast,” said area man Milton Spackle. “It was only last week that I was thinking about settling down and raising a family here,” He said, shaking his head. “Now I’m convinced it might not be fit for human habitation.”
Prior to the deciduous trees dropping their leaves, Ann Arbor was admired by its residents for its bustling downtown, endearing neighborhoods, and quirky arts scene. However, according to Spackle, “now that the trees are bare, I look outside, and all I see is death. Winter is inevitable. The darkness will consume us all.”
Studies show this bait-and-switch trap befalls nearly 82% of formerly-described “cute” Midwestern towns, which are notorious for luring in residential hopefuls with 19th-century restored brick downtowns, third-wave coffee shops, and tree-lined streets before draining themselves of all color and vitality come mid-November.
Researchers have begun to hypothesize that the temperate summers and ample greenspaces in these towns act as a form of civil gaslighting, causing inhabitants to forget the “bone-chilling cold,” “blistering winds,” and “dull, road-salt-caked layers of sadness” which besiege the region every winter.
Policymakers, taking cues from long-term nuclear waste warnings, have suggested placing signs at the entrance to town which read “this is not a place of honor…nothing valued is here. What is here is dangerous and repulsive to us.” Proponents believe this could save hundreds of lives post-daylight savings.
Spackle said that, as a born and raised Midwesterner, he’s “not really sure why this still surprises [him]” and he “really should just move somewhere with more climate change-induced wildfires.”