Uh Oh! Looks Like Every Internship Until 2047 Is Taken. Better Luck Next Time You Lazy Fuck

Students at a career fair.

Rise and grind chuckle fucks, it’s another beautiful day. Another day to keep up the hustle. Oh, what’s that? All the internships you were looking at for next summer are already taken? Well, no shit. You waited almost a full month after school started to apply. Everyone knows that if you get to October and you haven’t found an internship you’re basically a worthless sack of shit.

Me, personally? I started sending out my resumes for this summer two years ago. What’s that? How did I know what to put on a resume two years in advance? You’re telling me you haven’t meticulously planned out all of your four years (five with dual-enrollment for a masters if you want to get anywhere in life) of college down to the hours and minutes including sleep? Well, enjoy your “free time.” I suppose you’ll have plenty of that cashing your unemployment checks.

No, but that’s so cute that you think you might just take this summer to “relax” or “try and do something low stress”. I mean personally, I would never. But go you! 

What’s that? You want to make sure your work is going towards something meaningful and positive? OMG go you. No, like I totally get that, but at the same time, it’s just so nice to have money. Like, as much as I’d like to be making a positive impact on the world, it was just so nice to sit in a cubicle for 40 hours a week in SoHo while I coded in R to tangentially help Goldman Sachs screw more poor people out of their money because all the money I was making made me forget that I’m a human being with a soul.

Anyways, I’m sure you’ll find something great. Eventually…

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