Let’s face it besties, the Bible is outdated and filled with antiquated nonsense. “Love thy neighbor?” A man feeding a bunch of poor people? “Thou shalt not kill?” Boring and unrealistic. You’re telling me we get a new Batman every three years, but it’s been 2,000 years since we’ve had another Testament? I’m saying we ditch this old turd and select something a little more grounded and universal to focus our praise towards. That’s why I’m here to explain in a series of incoherent blurbs why the 2003 Cartoon Network show “My Gym Partner’s a Monkey” is a more influential work than the Bible.
The Bible may have stories that deal with universal truths that all people must face as well as laying a foundation for moral societal behavior while giving some solace in the idea of something bigger than themselves. However, MGPM deals with a boy who is accidentally transferred to a school full of anthropomorphic animals (a situation we’ve all been in before) and there is a funny monkey character, voiced by the same guy who did the voice for Spongebob. I like Spongebob. Last time I checked, the ass Jesus rode into town on did not make funny fart jokes. Therefore, point MGPM.
Additionally, the Bible heavily reinforces a male dominant culture. Right hand of the Father? Prodigal Son? Adam and Steve? MGPM is a feminist icon because the main male protagonist, Adam Lyon, is voiced by a woman. This was the first time anything like this was ever done and has not been attempted since. Did I research that point? No. But if you want points rooted in fact, you’ve come to the wrong place, girly.
Anyways, those are my points. Keep reading to hear more complaining and rambling from our Opinion section, flip through to see cartoons that make “The Far Side” look like The New Yorker, and hey, maybe somewhere in there is some real news. But I’ll never tell.