You’re Gonna Take This $100 Credit, And You’re Gonna Shut The Fuck Up

Three Sweetgreen workers stand behind the counter and hold up bowls of food.

Listen here, you greedy little asshole. We know that you might have gotten E. coli from our Kale Crunch Salad, but that doesn’t mean you can prance around just telling anybody with a pulse.

What if we sweeten the pot, huh? $100 credit in your account, just for you. Now you owe us. Now you’re
indebted to us. What, you’re gonna say no? Think again. This is an offer you can’t refuse.

My father started this hipster salad chain twenty years ago in New Jersey. This is a family business, okay? You don’t mess with family, or you’re gonna hear it from my brother Mikey. Everybody knows you don’t fuck with “Meatball” Mikey. You’re here every day in your little slicked-back bun, sauntering on in from your corporate internship. You can’t afford to pass up my family’s offer. You hear me?

$100. That’s twenty whole dollars for every day you spent sweating and crying and praying on the toilet. You could buy eight of our trendy little kale salads for that amount of money, as long as you’re not planning on getting a salad or a drink with that. You’re gonna take this $100 and you’re gonna shut the fuck up. Capiche?

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