Following public outcry, President Santa Ono spoke to concerned students this past week, assuring them that the fountain in Ingalls Mall “just has to go away for a little while.”
“It’ll be back real soon,” Ono said in the briefing. “Before you know it, those big blue boxes will be gone and our fountain will be there.”
Students were allegedly still upset following the update, wondering where the fountain went and “why it needs a break from [them].” They have been reminded by an assigned CAPS team that the water installation “just needs some time away” and that its absence is “in no way related to the way they treated it over the summer.”
Student groups proposed various solutions to “get the fountain to stay,” including “running boiling water through it,” “asking it nicely not to go,” and worst-case scenario, “asking it exactly when it will come home.”
At press time, a research team was allegedly setting up in the Ingalls Mall area to study object permanence skills among students.