In response to privacy concerns with the University’s survey software, Qualtrics, Michigan Medicine has decided it would be “in the best interests of its patients to begin conducting studies via the pioneering survey research platform Yik Yak.”
The new protocol will allow medical researchers to gather data by posting “Yaks,” such as “who else jerking off rn?”, “how do you pronounce bussy?”, and “Have you been hospitalized in the last fifteen (15) days with a severe respiratory illness?”
“Our patients’ privacy is our first priority,” said Michigan Medicine spokeswoman Dr. Nancy Carson, “so we’ve decided to transition to Yik Yak which comes with a slew of innovative privacy features.”
These features include “anonymizing patient data by associating it with an impersonal emoji identifier.”
Sources confirm this has caused some difficulty in returning results to patients, as survey responses are not associated with their name or UMID. Instead, researchers have resorted to post follow-up Yaks, such as “Hi Skunk, it appears you have HIV.”
Other early issues with the platform include patients outside of Yik Yak’s 5-mile “Herd” radius being ineligible to receive medical care.
At press time, a researcher was heard complaining that his study on cancer treatments got less upvotes than a comment diagnosing users with “deez nuts.” “I really needed that Yakarma to get my next grant approved,” he said.