Parking Enforcement Officers Declare Start Of Open Season To Combat Invasive Cars

Hunters look down on cars from their tree stand.
Later in the season, a group of confused hunters could be seen opening fire on students riding their Spin scooters down State Street.

Vehicle owners across Ann Arbor have reportedly felt “defenseless” since the beginning of “open season” on invasive cars, a period of the calendar year in which parking enforcement officers have jurisdiction to elicit “as many tickets as it takes to get them off.”

As the winter season approaches and the pedestrian population prepares for hibernation, multiplying herds of vehicles migrate to the streets and invade unoccupied parking spots, destroying its status as a naiive ecosystem. The courageous “Men In Neon” have selflessly vowed to protect the city of Ann Arbor from these reckless stationary vehicles, only accepting “the fulfillment of service to the community and a small financial compensation per kill” as their reward.

“To effectively rid the streets of a car for good, I shoot it with at least ten tickets just make sure the deed is done,” said Officer Costanza, a serviceman who openly adopted the nickname “The Parking Fascist” after widespread reports of alleged misconduct and prejudice during ticket distribution last season.

After clearing out and properly preserving the streets of the campus and downtown areas, Constanza and his colleagues plan to hunt in residential areas, the car’s “native lands,” and claim these territories as their own. Following the invasion, they will generously redistribute the cars to impound reservations in low-income areas so that they may park freely.

At press time, Ann Arbor Parking Enforcement officers have been spotted stripping parked cars of their metal skin and hood ornaments, wearing these pieces as their trophies.

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